Extinction Level Event: Episode One.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: Equal parts sort-of real-life spin-off from the games, natural continuation towards the games, and writer trying to get as big an audience as he can muster. R/R.
1. Default Chapter Title

Extinction Level Event.  
  
by Thomas Greene.  
  
The majority of these..oh, wait, I created all these guys. I RULE! Anyway, there might be some stuff owned by other people in these, but it's mostly trendy references, so it's cool.  
If you have any criticism on this work, send it to ReLect0@aol.com. If you feel the need to flame this work, I got two words for you, SUCK IT!   
Anything else? Oh, yeah. Don't do drugs. Unless it is for good reasons.Ah, screw that, Smoke crack and worship Satan.   
  
Part One: The Round-up.  
  
January 19, 2001. Washington, D.C.  
  
The President-elect's advisor came into the room."We have your poll results in, sir."   
"What're the poll results?" the future President asked.  
"Well, we've noticed that the reason you're going into the Presidency is because of the elderly voters, as they're the only people who aren't fed up with the process."  
"Ah, God bless Alzheimer's..."  
"Well, their main concern is that they've all seen the news and are deathly afraid of gun-toting teenagers shooting up their high schools and other places. Since they're all old people, they think all teenagers will do said act."  
"I see..."  
"Due to this, we've come up with a plan to keep all of those elderly people on your side for 2004. Basically..." The advisor paused for dramatic effect. "..We send all the different 'Cliques' of people to seperate areas of the country to live out their lives."  
"How do we get this to occur? The parents, the people's wills..."  
"Fear of school shootings! We get them afraid, they'll handle it. If the people involved in this don't like it, tough! Teens don't vote!"  
"It sounds so simple."  
"We've already got the first one set. We'll be trying to relocate 'Nerds' to a seperate housing facility near Area 51. We feel that that area will make them happiest."  
"We should do it."   
  
January 20, 2001: 12 noon.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased that you picked me to be your President. I promise that this country will be a country where all people can be truly safe in their schools..."  
  
January 20, 2001: 6 p.m.   
  
The speaker of the House put up the bill."And now, a bill to relocate the nation's nerds to Roswell, New Mexico..." The Congressmen started to vote No before a younger one spoke up. "I'd like to propose a rider to the bill that gives us all a pay raise."  
"AYE!" the Capitol yelled.   
  
February 3, 2001. Providence, Rhode Island.  
  
Phil and Troy were nerds. Both were in the top levels of the people at Garden High. Their scientific skills were legendary, helping to bring Garden a sense of respectability in the shadows of the two nearby "preppy" schools. Unlike most nerds, however, these two were sort of well-liked by their peers without ever doing their homework for them. The two hung out together frequently and proceeded to check out what was happening.  
"Okay, let's see what we've been able to accomplish for ourselves this week." Troy said.  
"First off: We were able to convince the student body that Headmaster Cid was in fact a woman." Phil replied.  
"That was our 'fun stuff.' What did you really work out?"   
"I finally got working models set of my pet projects." Phil took out a ring box. " As you can see, it looks like a regular Legion flight ring, right?"   
"Oh, yeah."  
"Not exactly. This one really works. I fine-tuned a magnet up to the ability that it could ride the Earth's magnetic field and support up to 250 pounds to do the same. As a result..." Phil placed the ring on his finger and flew a lap around the room.   
"Excellent. Does it have some communication ability with it as well?" Troy asked.  
"No, but I have made a second ring that does have that ability. Can communicate anywhere, help each other out, or just pick up people's cell phones for our own amusement." Phil replied.  
"Too bad. I was able to make some non-magnetic transistors that work perfectly in mine," Troy said. He placed one ring on and flew a lap.  
"Just for that, I get the more powerful stuff I finished this week." Phil said. He took out a briefcase and revealed some power towards it. "This may look like a typical briefcase." He opened it up to show a 240-CD changer.  
"That's old news. So it's portable and you can listen to a lot of CD's, big deal," Troy replied.  
"Not exactly. I've done double duty. I harnessed the ultimate power of batteries to the point where they can last for nigh-limitless amounts of time and give off enough power for that time to make an energy field enough to light the state of Rhode Island for a century, or at least give one certain person an energy field enough to actually create a form of 'magic'. Then I proceeded to take the CD's encodings, translate them into Blue, Black, White, or Generic forms of magic, and proceed to release them at will."   
"Cool. All I did was make a weapon." Troy opened up a guitar case to reveal a shiny new gunblade.  
"WHOA. How'd you make that?" Phil asked.  
"Simple. I took an old sword, put on a gun handle, and put a tazer toward the gun's handle. I made you up one as well." Troy took his gunblade.  
"Well, we certainly did some good stuff. What do we do now?" Phil asked.  
"I dunno. Go see a movie?" Troy replied.  
  
Meanwhile, at the cinema, the managers recieved a call from the government.   
"So, you want us to do what?"  
"Show 'Highlander: Endgame' again for free. We think the state's nerds will flock to it. After that, we'll send them over there."  
"We understand."  
  
"What's playing?" Phil asked.  
"I heard 'Highlander:Endgame' is starting up again over at the Place..." Troy replied.  
"Yeah, but why would we want to see that? I mean, making there be two? There can be only one! Not to mention that they gave Edge a role in the flick..."  
"In his words, that is SO going to set new records for heinousitude."  
"Exactly."  
  
Meanwhile, the agents over at the movie theater were happy.  
"We got them. Hook, line, and sinker. Every cinema in this state did the same story, and now a vast majority of nerds are going to Roswell," Agent Biggs said.  
"Yeah, but that's what? 1500 nerds, tops? We need to eliminate the lot of them. I have a plan that will get the rest of them over here..." Agent Wedge replied.  
  
"DUDE!" Troy said. "Did you hear about this one here?"  
"What's the 411, man?" Phil replied.  
"According to this, there's a free play over at the Civic Center. They guarantee Christina Damian will get naked during it."  
"Does it really matter, man? I mean, we don't need to see anything from her. Her skills as an actress are why we view her movies, not the fact that she's a hottie."  
"Yeah, plus those 'Beach' pics weren't anything special. The fakes are much better."  
"See? You're catching on!"  
  
"I think we've got them all. No nerd could resist either of these two things," Biggs said.  
"I think so. Let's head toward the next place," Wedge replied.  
  
March 13, 2001.   
  
"So, it's been pretty dead recently on these web sites," Phil said.  
"Yeah. People rarely post, and when they do it's usually 'HELP! I'M A PRISONER NEAR AREA 51!'" Troy replied.  
"Can't they be original for once?"   
"Let's just watch some TV."  
"Good evening. The U.S. government has come forward with their plan that has relocated all of the country's nerds to Roswell, New Mexico, but first, our top story, famed 'Survivor' Richard Hatch actually walked down the street today. For more on this story..."  
"DUDE!" Phil exclaimed. "All the country's nerds are in Roswell?"  
"Say, if all of them are in captivity, does this mean we're the last two nerds in the country?" Troy asked.  
The two looked at each other.  
"BONUS!"   
  
The two walked around their school like kings.  
"Hello, homies! We are the LAST TWO nerds out of captivity. Breed with us now before we're gone..." Suddenly, the two were pulled into a room by their guidance counselor.  
"Why'd you do that?" Phil asked.  
"Don't you know? You two are now probably the most wanted men in America."   
"Why are you saying this? You're supposed to be on our side."  
"I am. Listen. You two are the last nerds in the country, and arguably the smartest people out of captivity. As such, you have a chance to have great fortune at the risk of your lives."  
"Why?"  
"If you're free, the country could have problems. This move wasn't about saving school shootings, it was about money."  
"You're reading Cary's copy of Zinn again, aren't you?"  
"No. They chose nerds first rather than Trenchcoat Mafia members so that they could make money off of their dot com companies.As such, as the last two nerds, you can make huge dough taking control of them and selling them for 100% profit."  
"Where do we go for this?"  
"All around. Just create some characters, gain control of the company, and sell it. You'll make your fortune, maybe even get all the nerds freed."  
"I see."   
"You'll have to leave now. I called your parents and told them about how your lives were in danger as long as you were in Rhode Island. They've transferred enough money and places to get you out of any situations. Go for it."  
"Okay. We'll see you."  
"Oh, don't bother. I've got one of those 'Secret Communication Rings' too. I'll keep in touch while you're on the road." The two left the office to find three wanna-be rappers going toward them.  
"Hey, why are you two not in Roswell?" their leader asked.  
"We'll get you there," one said.  
"Not bloody likely..." the two replied. They drew their gunblades and started to cut and shock.  
"Hey, that really hurt!", one exclaimed as he fell to the ground. Two were left to fight, until one was also brought down.  
"You jerks! I'll get you." the leader pulled out a gun. Phil pulled out his "briefcase."  
"I've loaded up a 'Nerd/Teleportation' Generic spell. It'll save us for sure," Phil said.  
"Well, represent!" Troy replied. Phil put in a CD. The strains of it started as bio-mechanical constructs slowly replaced Phil and Troy.  
  
"'cause I remember how we drank time together   
and how you used to say that the stars are forever   
and daydreamed about how to make your life better   
by leaving town, leaving town..."  
  
"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU LISTENING TO THAT CRAP? PLAY SOME EMINEM!" the leader said. The two constructs motioned to "just bring it." The leader hit the two to find them disintegrated. "WHAT THE HELL?  
  
Meanwhile, the two rematerialized in Phil's car. "LET'S GO!"  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

Extinction Level Event. Part Two: Hide-out.  
  
by Thomas Greene.  
  
The majority of these..oh, wait, I created all these guys. I RULE! Anyway, there might be some stuff owned by other people in these, but it's mostly trendy references, so it's cool.  
If you have any criticism on this work, send it to ReLect0@aol.com. If you feel the need to flame this work, I got two words for you, SUCK IT!   
Anything else? Oh, yeah. Don't do drugs. Unless it is for good reasons.Ah, screw that, Smoke crack and worship Satan.   
  
The two headed into Phil's car. Phil put his key in. The car didn't start.  
"Dude, there's no gas in the tank!" Troy exclaimed.  
"Put the car kit on the player and blast something really fast. It runs on the same skill as our 'magic' does. Allows this piece of shit to go fast enough to theoretically achieve flight, never need gas, and it has an attack burst whenever I honk the horn if the radio's at the proper condition," Phil replied. Troy took the "briefcase", hooked it up to the lighter, and proceeded to rock the place.  
  
"San, what happened?" one of the wanna-bees said.  
"Those nerds took out some gun-blade cross and cut us, Jay." San replied.  
"THEY'LL GET THEIRS! To the low rider!" The three headed out of the room to their patented low-rider. The three headed down the street and headed towards them.  
"NERDS! YOU'RE GOING DOWN LIKE STEEL IN A TOILET!" San yelled.  
"Dude, they're going to catch up to us! We're doomed!" Troy exclaimed.  
"Not yet. Let's rock." Phil proceeded to spin around.  
"DUDE! Are you suicidal? It's a one-way street!"   
"Just watch and learn." Phil proceeded to turn on the emergency lights. Instantly, a force field appeared around the car.  
"BUCKLE UP!"   
Troy became very nervous. "Um, Phil, this is not good."  
"Just turn the treble way up and the bass way down." Troy complied. As the strains started, a shock of sound and electricity headed toward the low rider, stripping the paint off of the car.  
"DAMMIT! That paint job was phat! They're dead." One of the wanna-bes took the wheel while Jay and San proceeded to draw guns and attempt to shoot the two, but their bullets bounced off the field.  
"Now, they've just made us mad," Phil said. He pressed a button that turned the car's antenna outward toward the low rider. The car started to pick up the rap music that they had on their radio.  
"Why are you doing this?" Troy asked.  
"Simple. We're going to need their bass-heavy rhythms for this. Reverse the polarity right...NOW!" Troy put the bass up to its highest levels and the treble to its lowest. Phil honked the horn, sending out a burst of energy so fierce that it ripped the low rider into pieces and encased the three in metal. Phil turned the car around, and the two headed over to Troy's house.  
  
"Let's go in," Troy said. The two headed into Troy's house. "What's going on?" Troy's mother asked. "I got a call that you and Phil were in danger."  
"You know, it's some simple thing in that whole 'Me and Phil are the last two nerds in the country and are subsequently Public Enemies Number One and One-A' thing."   
"Oh. Well, head up toward your room until this blows over, okay?"  
"Gotcha."The two went toward Troy's computer room on the second floor. Suddenly, they heard some people at the gate.  
"Dude, pass me over that Transformer you modified with the action that magnifies hearing?" Phil asked.  
"Sure thing, man." Phil put the ear piece up to his head and put the Transformer up to the window.  
"We checked that 'Phil' kid's house, that one's clean," Agent Biggs said.  
"Yeah. Shame we had to kill his parents, though," Agent Wedge replied.  
"Well, they tried to prevent us from killing their child. What were we to do?"  
"I know, but killing people, it always seems so wrong..."  
"Look. You're young. You'll be desensitized sooner or later."  
"Did you hear that? THOSE ASSHOLES KILLED MY PARENTS!" Phil said.  
"Look. Keep quiet or else you and I will join them." Troy replied. Phil put the Transformer down to the ceiling.   
"LOOK, BITCH! WHERE'S YOUR KID AND HIS FRIEND?" Biggs yelled.  
"I...I don't know! I haven't seen them in a couple weeks!" Troy's mother replied.  
"DON'T PLAY DUMB!" Wedge replied.  
"I..I honestly don't know!" Biggs and Wedge opened fire, killing Troy's mother. Hearing the gunfire, Troy's father ran out of the room.  
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO!" He picked up a gun and started firing back. Biggs took his gun and shot Troy's father until he died.  
"You see? I just killed two people and I don't feel a thing! That's what you need to strive for!" Biggs said.  
"Let's try upstairs." Wedge and Biggs ran up the stairs.  
"Are any nerds in there?" Wedge asked.   
"No, I am a meat popsicle," Phil and Troy replied.  
"That settles it. They aren't there." Wedge and Biggs left the premises and drove off.  
"We're alive! WOO HOO!" Troy exclaimed.  
"Yeah, but we're going to need to get the hell out of Dodge for a while."Phil replied.  
"Well, we were already planning to head off and get that sweet dot com money, so why not kill both birds?"  
"Excellent. And, since our parents are sadly dead, we can head off without problems."  
The two looked at each other.  
"BONUS!" The two sat for a little bit playing ROMs and listening to mp3's until they were certain it was all clear, then got into their car and left. 


	3. Default Chapter Title

Part Three: The Road Warriors.  
  
"Dude, where do we go from here? They're going to be looking for us all over the state," Troy asked.  
"Solution, young friend, we leave the state. All the dot com places are out of here anyways." Phil replied. The two took the car and headed out.  
"Dude, does this work on anything? Like tapes?" Troy asked.  
"I think so. Why?"  
"I brought my trusty Sublime tape with. Should I pop it in?"  
"DUDE! That isn't cool yet. Sublime is way too powerful for us. I had to promise my father that I wouldn't use it unless I was tortured. Oh, wait, that was Bloodhound Gang. Try it, man." Troy tried to put the cassette in, but the car stopped short. He quickly put the CD player back in, and the two sped off.  
"So, where are we heading?" Phil asked.  
"I dunno. Emerald Square?" Troy replied.  
"Isn't that a little...close?"   
"Just go the backway. It'll confuse them a bit." The two started toward the mall.  
"Hey, do you think I should bless us?"Troy asked.  
"What are you planning?"  
"The Good Book...on CD. Hitchhiker's Guide Series. 22 hours. The spirit of all that is good will protect us as long as it's on."  
"But what about afterwards?"  
"Sublime. Weezer. Bosstones. Both a handy weapon AND somethings to keep us able to last as long as we can." The two headed into the mall parking lot, turned the car off, and went into the mall.  
"Where to first?" Phil asked. The two walked along.  
"I think I know..." Troy replied.  
"What?"  
"We have to go to Kay-Bee right now."   
"Should we jump over? The Pro Wrestling store's right there..."  
"Do we look like Evan and Larry? They're the only idiots who'd do that. Let's go down the normal way." They headed to the escalator.  
"Anything good?" They asked before they saw them.  
"Are those...?"  
"Double-edged lightsabers. $3.99." The two dropped to their knees.  
"WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE SCUM!" The two proceeded to pick themselves up and buy one a piece.   
"Well, now we have some more auxiliary weaponry. What do we do?"  
"I dunno.Head over for a drink?" The two headed up to the food court.  
"Where should we go?"   
"There's 69 cent larges over there..." Phil pointed out.  
"Yes, but CVS has better drinks."  
"Okay. Let's go." The two somehow ended up at a smaller drink station.  
"Ooh, they sell potion here..." Phil said.  
"Who cares about potion? Sobe, Snapple Elements, and some micro-stuff like them! Potion's skills, some magic power, AND they taste good!" The two proceeded to head to the next door Babbage's.  
"Yes! Titan A.E. figures for cheap. ZANG." Troy yelled.  
"Are those...?" Phil asked.  
"FFIX and Zelda 64 II from Japan! BOOYEAH!" they yelled. Troy headed for the Zelda while Phil headed for the FFIX.  
"Dude, we should get that chick to come here right away..." Troy said.  
"Yeah, man." Phil replied. He proceeded to play the game.  
"What? Is this FFVII? It's all...cartoonish!"  
"It looks like the main character is...Orko?"  
"I wondered what he did since He-Man."  
"Dood. This had BETTER have a story that completely, totally makes all other stories look like Battlefield: Earth clones." Phil said.  
"Yeah, what else about it? The controls..." Troy replied.  
"The controls play out like FFVII."  
"Is that a problem?"   
"FFVII sucked Regis Philbin's ass!"  
"Well, what about the graphics?" Troy asked.  
"Well, Orko looks REALLY similar to life..." Phil replied.  
"I'm talking humans, man, humans!"  
"Well, it's a downer."  
"Why, man?"  
"Well, they could've used it as a major thing. VIII was sort of ground-breaking in its graphics, in that it was the first game that had horny geeks like us salivate over girls who they'd actually have a chance to meet someone who looks similar in real life."  
"Oh, yeah, sure."  
"Granted, VII had some moments, but they're still in that basic cartoon form for most of it. Do you really think you'll meet up with someone who looks like Aeris or Tifa on the streets, man?" Phil asked.  
"Well, do you think you'll meet up with a girl who looks like Quistis or Rinoa on the streets?" Troy replied.  
"Already know some. Quite good friends with them. The Quistis look-alike happened to have it bad for Evan, well, until Larry stole her at the prom."  
"Oh, yeah. The same day he dicked out on us for the play. Why does Evan still hang out with him?"  
"I don't know."   
"Well, what's the thing?"  
"They have the technology. They should have built on the VIII skill, added better development of the faces in battle, and worked it. They could've made people who'd transcend the line between real and CGI if they did."  
"I think we'd better leave now..." Troy said.  
"Why?" Phil asked.  
"Some preppies are on our tails."   
"RUN!" The two ran like hell. The preppies followed them.  
"Quick, we can lose them by going down a floor!"  
"Hold up. Wait. Head toward Abercrombie. We can lose them there." The two headed up a floor toward Abercrombie and Fitch, which distracted the preppies enough so they could make their getaway. They blasted the Good Book as they ran like hell. 


End file.
